So inadequate

 I have been at my Moms house  since 4pm Wednesday and today is Sunday. I hit a wall today. Can’t stop crying. I feel so guilty because I don’t want to do this. I just want to live my life. She is happy and content but I am miserable. I feel selfish. I’m losing patience. I know she can’t help it  I should be mad at the disease but I am mad at me because I don’t want to hear the same thing over and over  I don’t want to have to repeat myself over and over  I don’t want to end up like her  

She is at a church picnic and wanted me to stay with her and eat. I am sitting in my car crying because if she introduces me and tells them how much she appreciates me I will lose it and confess how bad I am at this. 

My Mom has Alzheimer’s and I suck as a caregiver, I just want to be a daughter.

 Mom was diagnosed early Feb 2021 and from Feb 21 until today I have been with her almost 600 hours. 

Just about every weekend from Wednesday at 4 until Monday at 10 am I am with her not as a daughter but as a caregiver. She doesn’t really need a lot of personal care but needs someone to be her memory. Help her remember to take meds. Make sure she doesn’t hurt herself, take her shopping, help her prep meals, style her hair.

While I was growing up she was my rock. She babysat my boys.

Now, when I look at her, I see her but it is like she is not my Mom. Because MY mom is an independent, strong woman, not the insecure, confused, frightened woman in the room with me

Essential Oils for....EVERYTHING!

In August I was introduced to essential oils.  I am just learning, but it is so interesting.

First of all, there are the aromas.  Why does a certain scent have an effect on you?

From www.umm.edu/health/medical/altmed/treatment/aromatherapy:
 

The "smell" receptors in your nose communicate with parts of your brain

(the amygdala and hippocampus) that serve as storehouses for emotions 
and memories. When you breathe in essential oil molecules, some 
researchers believe they stimulate these parts of your brain and 
influence physical, emotional, and mental health.

Not all oils are created equal, however.  Young Living is the company
I am using to purchase my oils.They are the highest purity and quality
oils on the market. I have a couple friends who have used essential

oils from Young Living and have received amazing health benefits. 

I purchased a starter kit from Young Living and when it arrived I didn't
know exactly where to begin. so I then looked for a podcast about oils. 
I found and would like to recommend "The Essential OilRevolution: 
An Unofficial Young Living Podcast"  Listening to this podcast just
affirms that Young LivingOils are the best for me to use.

I hope to start posting more regularly about my journey to a healthier
 me through oils. 

What's wrong with this picture?

I work in a small town.  Even though it is not a bar, I sometimes joke that my job is like a bartender's.  People come in and tell me their problems over a retail counter.  I don't even have to ask, "how are you?"  they just freely offer their situations.  Examples:  "I just had surgery.  Want to see my scar?"  "Sorry I am so slow walking but my leg is infected.  Want to see?"   I quickly learned to say no.

And then there are the customers that need advice.  "Can you help me file my taxes?"  "Why did my wife leave me?" "What am I going to do about my kid?"

Well, a customer came in last week who is the grandmother to a girl who just got out of prison a couple months ago.  The grandma said she was back in jail because her husband wouldn't even give her money to buy shampoo and she stole it from the local discount store.  My reply was, why didn't she get a job so she could buy what she wanted herself?  The answer?  " She can't get a job because they will cut out their food stamps."  HELLO:???  If she had a JOB, she might not NEED food stamps!!!  I told the grandmother this and she agreed I was right.  I pleaded with her to try to make that point with the granddaughter, she said she would.  The girl has to go through rehab.....again.

Worry is my middle name

On April 16, 2007, I went to work without a care in the world.  15 minutes after arriving, I received  phone call from a customer's wife, that said her husband should be in my lobby (I work in a small post office)and if he was,  to please tell him to go back to work because there was an emergency.   The customer was a Virginia Tech Police officer.

My husband was at VT that day - he is an employee.  I immediately sent him a text asking if everything was okay.  He said he was not aware of any issues but would keep me posted if he heard anything.

I heard sirens.  2-4-5-8 - more, lost count.  Policemen heading towards Blacksburg. 

My husband send me a text.  "Where is Kevin....exactly?"

I tried to reach my oldest son, to see if he had a class.  I could not reach him.  Cell towers busy.

I called my Mom, and she said that he had a 9 a.m. class.

Kevin was a Sophomore at VT, his class was close to the building that the gunman was in.

I texted him - he responded that he was fine - was grabbed by a policeman and locked in a classroom with others for safety, while they looked for a gunman.

You know the rest of the story.

I did not get a lot done that day at work.  All I wanted to do was to see him, to hold him. Was so thankful that he was okay, and yet found myself feeling guilty because of the Moms and Dads that lost their child and I still had mine.  I remember one of the officers saying how eerie it was when they went in a classroom where there was many victims and hearing all the cell phones ringing, going unanswered. 


Dec 14, 2012 - Sandy Hook Elementary. Those little kids didn't have cell phones.  But imagine how the parents must have felt waiting to see if they would be reunited with their child or would be identifying them as a victim.

Jan 1, 2013 - Today we received word that the schools in our county will be closed because someone has found a connection between an elementary school in the area and Sandy Hook.  Apparently an article was written saying that this school may be the next school massacre target.  In The Dark Knight Rises, there was some map that Sandy Hook was on, as well as a town called Narrows.  An internet search led this "writer" to find an elementary school with that name in our county.

I have a younger son.  In elementary school.  In Giles County.

We have School Resource Officers in our school.

I am going to try not worry - but there are some crazy f*cks out there.

My last Mother's Day

I have decided that this will be my last Mother's Day.  I will continue to cherish and celebrate MY mother, but I personally do not deserve any recognition for being a mother.  Yes, I have given birth to two smart, funny young men but I have not done a very good job being a mother.   My older son is very kind, thoughtful, honest, hard-working and successful, but I don't feel like I had much to do with that.  I feel like he feels like I abandoned him.  When he dad and I divorced, he spent some time with me, and some with his Dad and after he was about 9 years old, a whole lot of time with my Mom due to my work schedule, going back to school to get my Bachelors and remarriage.  The remarriage led me to live in the neighboring county.   Thought I was doing the right thing by keeping him in his own school system rather than moving to the one we lived in, but it meant not having him home with me every evening.  I can't go back and change it, and my heart breaks when I think about how he must feel.  I get angry when I think about how I was not able to give him a typical family home.  Angry at his Dad for leaving when I was 2 months pregnant.

I was a single Mom for almost 10 years. My ex told me I would die a lonely old woman.  I worked two jobs, and wanted to get my degree so I could provide  a life for my son that did not require me going on welfare.  But thinking back, maybe I should have focused more on being a Mom instead of trying to make money or get a better job to pay the mortgage?

Now he is grown, and we don't talk often, but I think of him every day.  He is a private person and I don't want to be a pushy, nosy Mom.  I want to give him his space, and I hope he remembers that I am here for him, if he would only ask.  Partly my fault there.  I would rather do something myself than ask for help.  He probably saw that in me.    But if he needed me - that would be great! 

I love him.  I don't think I would be alive if not for him. Some day I hope he says to me that he forgives me for the choices I made that kept us apart.

So, since I feel like such a failure as a Mother, from now on, on Mother's Day, I will focus on my own wonderful Mom and not claim any accolades for myself.

Virgina Tech Verdict - It's not about the money - BULLSHIT

So pissed. Jury awarded two families $4M each. Oh, they said it is not about the money. Yeah, right. One lady said that she just wanted make an example of Virginia Tech so if the situation happened again, they would be more proactive so that this never happened again. Isn't that what they (and every other freakin' organization) has been doing since April 16, 2007? I think losing 32 students to that psycho was enough "punishment" for Virginia Tech - Hell, for everyone. If it isn't about the money, they should put every cent into a charity or scholarship or something of that nature in their child's name.

There is absolutely NO WAY Virginia Tech could have known what to do based on the knowledge they had at the time.