My last Mother's Day

I have decided that this will be my last Mother's Day.  I will continue to cherish and celebrate MY mother, but I personally do not deserve any recognition for being a mother.  Yes, I have given birth to two smart, funny young men but I have not done a very good job being a mother.   My older son is very kind, thoughtful, honest, hard-working and successful, but I don't feel like I had much to do with that.  I feel like he feels like I abandoned him.  When he dad and I divorced, he spent some time with me, and some with his Dad and after he was about 9 years old, a whole lot of time with my Mom due to my work schedule, going back to school to get my Bachelors and remarriage.  The remarriage led me to live in the neighboring county.   Thought I was doing the right thing by keeping him in his own school system rather than moving to the one we lived in, but it meant not having him home with me every evening.  I can't go back and change it, and my heart breaks when I think about how he must feel.  I get angry when I think about how I was not able to give him a typical family home.  Angry at his Dad for leaving when I was 2 months pregnant.

I was a single Mom for almost 10 years. My ex told me I would die a lonely old woman.  I worked two jobs, and wanted to get my degree so I could provide  a life for my son that did not require me going on welfare.  But thinking back, maybe I should have focused more on being a Mom instead of trying to make money or get a better job to pay the mortgage?

Now he is grown, and we don't talk often, but I think of him every day.  He is a private person and I don't want to be a pushy, nosy Mom.  I want to give him his space, and I hope he remembers that I am here for him, if he would only ask.  Partly my fault there.  I would rather do something myself than ask for help.  He probably saw that in me.    But if he needed me - that would be great! 

I love him.  I don't think I would be alive if not for him. Some day I hope he says to me that he forgives me for the choices I made that kept us apart.

So, since I feel like such a failure as a Mother, from now on, on Mother's Day, I will focus on my own wonderful Mom and not claim any accolades for myself.